As I mentioned in my last article, I’ve been on a recent quest to approach and flirt with women. My end goal is to develop a healthy male sexuality in which I can be a sexual person without shame while also expressing deep respect and kindness to those around me.
Studying male sexuality, I’m realizing we actually experience a lot of shame, and the fact we are so unaware of this allows for a lot of toxic behaviors to form. A great example of this is the stereotype of the “nice guy”.
If you’re not familiar with this fedora-wearing stereotype known as the “nice guy”, I encourage you to Google it. “Nice guys” have a terrible reputation. They’re seen as these whiny, spineless people who blame women for all their love troubles. They act overly nice to a woman, and then get nasty when that woman shows no interest in having sex and/or a relationship with them.
The common tendency for society is to focus on the fact that “nice guys” feel entitled to sex and that they’re only being nice so they get what they want. In some ways, this is kind of backwards.
We’re going, “How dare you want sex!” and “How dare you feel upset, when you can’t have it!”. Our gut reaction to “nice guys” is to shame their sexuality and the sexual frustration they experience. This is not to say they shouldn’t avoid taking out their frustrations on people around them, but there needs to be acknowledgment that there’s something more going on here.
What is not understood about “nice guys” is that they’re people with repressed sexuality. Somewhere down the road either by family or by society, they were taught that their sexuality is dangerous and harmful. The ideology is if you act sexual toward somebody, you’re automatically harassing and bothering them, to be sexual is to mistreat women.
Ironically, “nice guys” then fall into the exact trap they’re trying to avoid. All the frustration and shame around their sexuality builds up, until they eventually become toxic and passive aggressive to the women they’re trying to respect.
How to resolve nice guy syndrome is something more complicated that I’ll go into in another post, but I feel mindfulness is the first step. You’re allowed to be pissed at a “nice guy” for not being so nice, but be aware of your actions. A small dose of empathy goes a long way.